Forgetting What My Life Has Cost

from Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay:

"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
wipe away the crimson stains
dull the nails that still remain
more and more I need you now
I owe you more each passing hour
battles between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
so steal my heart; take the pain
wash my feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty take my tears
this sin soaked heart make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now take it now
serve the ones I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and blow away
i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
take my beauty take my tears
this sin soaked heart make it yours
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty take my tears
take my world apart
take my world apart
I pray I pray I pray
take my world apart"

I hope these lyrics get at your heart the way they've been getting to mine...

Next Steps

I was re-reading my prior blog entry and was reminded that while I was working at Tauernhof I was praying about the next step in my life. Let's be honest, I've been wondering about the next step pretty much continuously since I graduated from college. Well, it turns out I somehow failed to notice the next step until I was thousands of miles away from home, at a Bible school in the Austrian mountains (ah, timing).

As many of you know I am passionate about orphans and adoption. I am fairly convinced that I will adopt a child at some point in life. Occasionally I look up photolistings of children waiting to be adopted and pray for them by name. I even had the opportunity earlier this year to spend 3 amazing months at Grace Children's Home, an orphanage in Mexico. Not getting it yet? (I can't blame you... after all, it took me almost 5 years to figure it out). I'll spare you the brain strain and give it to you straight.

The

next

step

is.....

........

........

Graduate school!

I am hoping to go to graduate school this Fall for a Master's degree in social work (MSW)--the goal being a career in child welfare, adoptions, foster care, etc.

That said, I am in the process of applying to 6 different programs in 6 different states in the US (I looked to see if there were any programs abroad but had no luck... I guess it's time for me to stay Domestic for a while).

Where am I applying you ask? The schools in the running are:
San Jose State University (California)
Portland State University (Oregon)
University of Kansas (Kansas, duh)
University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign (Illinois)
Asbury University (Kentucky)
Boston College (Massachusetts)

I am excited to pursue this long-awaited next step and appreciate prayers for the application process.

Update Long Overdue!

I'm going to try to make this short...

My post a few months back about being in the Spring of life and just beginning to discover things about life has been blooming. This last month I:

*Have made friends with the Summer Program students who are amazing, loving, and encouraging--a great change from Spring school where I felt pretty lonely a lot of the time.

*Have been learning the difference between trying to love people well on my own versus loving Jesus and allowing Him to love others through me. When I try I fail... miserably. When I focus on just loving God it seems like there is more love and joy than I can contain. That has been really cool to see in the developing friendships I have here.

*Have been pondering the possibility of going back to school for a Masters of Social Work Masters Degree so that I can work in International adoptions and foster care

*Have had the opportunity to go summit 3 mountains and spend 6 days on the trail where I have experienced more community with the students and some great times enjoying God's creation here in the Alps (one of the mountains was 3,000 meters high! About 9000 ft!)

However, even while things are crazy in bloom in my life there are still struggles along the way. At this point in my time here at Bible school, I feel a bit restless. I have discovered aspects about missions that I like and aspects I don't like and in a lot of ways I feel ready to leave this place and start taking some new steps into the directions God is laying out for me. That said, I would appreciate prayers for contentment and endurance for my remaining time here. And also prayers for continued direction for whatever the "next steps" may be for me. One interesting message from one of the lectures that I attended here... the lecturer said that in life it will often be the mundane moments that are the most difficult to get through, not the crises or the huge disappointments, but the everyday. I think that is so true for my life. In the really hard times I can't deny God's presence, but in the routine of life it is easy to forget about His faithfulness. My prayer for me and whoever is reading this is that we can experience the fulness of life and joy in Christ even when we are cleaning the bathroom, cooking dinner, brushing our teeth, etc. etc.

There is so much more that I would love to tell, but I think I've reached my quota for the day. I'll try more frequent and shorter posts again in the future :) Thanks for all your support as I learn how to live with Christ and serve with Him here in Austria!

Some Things I'm Learning

Alright, alright, I admit it. After all my traveling to different countries and being away at University, etc. I am finally, maybe for the first time, experiencing...

homesickness

I honestly never thought it would happen to me. I mean, when I am away from home I usually realize some things that I really appreciate about where I come from. But apart from that I have always been too busy with where I am away from home to be too homesick.

But, as always, God has come and met me in the midst of my very first bout of homesickness--just like He always does, and like I never quite expect Him to (if I'm honest). For instance, as I have been missing home, God has been confronting me with questions about my life and about my idea of "home."

I led a devotion for the staff here about a week ago, and the topic that I felt like I should share came out of one of my biggest "fears" in life: settling down and living in one place for "the rest of my life." Recently, God's prompting to me has come out of Nehemiah's story in the Bible. How his city was in destruction. People were broken. The city wall was broken. And Nehemiah's first response to all this news of brokenness was to sit down and to weep before God. As I thought about my fear of staying an undetermined amount of time in one place I thought that maybe a deeper fear I have is that then I would see the broken places. See beyond the surface of the drug scene in Santa Cruz. Begin to see the individual lives that are falling apart. See a city that I love without my rose tinted lenses of being a continent away and longing to be home. There's a lot more in Nehemiah's story that is speaking to me right now (if you want to hear more email me for the sake of this already really long blog). And through it all, God is asking me if I am willing to go somewhere (home or not) and stay put for a while. He is asking me if I, like Nehemiah, am willing to see the broken places and to mourn over them--with Him. And, like Nehemiah, if I am willing to take my sorrows over that place and move to action in an effort to restore that place.

Part of me says, "yes! I would love to move back home and to really get connected there, lay down some roots and see how God will use me. I am willing!" While another part says, "I love Santa Cruz, but my heart is beating more for the poor areas of the world." Still another part says, "I would love to move back home--as long as I can still wear the rose colored glasses and not get too close to the brokenness." So, God is speaking to me about home. And, I think He will continue to reveal things to me while I am here in Austria. And, to be honest, it has been hard being here. Nothing like what I did in Mexico. I loved the ministry there, and feel disconnected from the ministry here. But even in that God is revealing things to me. Like, what types of ministry I don't want to do long term. While I am thankful for the direction, I have also been asking Him why He has me here so long though when I seem to know already that this ministry is not the one for me... I guess we'll see!

One more cool way God has worked recently: the other day I was feeling a bit down and just asked God if He would send me a friend. I was on the campus here and thought that maybe I'd see a student sitting outside or a staff member to chat with. But nobody was really around. So I came in to my computer and got on facebook. Then, not a minute after I was on facebook, one of my really close lifelong friends got on and sent me a message. I was excited to hear from him, but didn't think anything of it until the end of our conversation when I remembered my prayer and told him that I had prayed for a friend and God had given me him. Then, this friend of mine told me that about 5 minutes before we talked he had prayed the same prayer! I think this is so incredible and awesome how God works in such small, but significant ways. And I was only thinking of myself when I prayed for a friend. But God used the situation to show that He is caring very specifically for me and for this friend of mine. To me it was a real blessing too, because God could have given me a conversation with a student here who I don't know that well. We could have talked about the weather. Or about a recent lecture. Which would have been good and an answer to prayer still the same. But God always chooses something better than I can think. He gave me a friend that knows me well. A friend that knows where I come from (healing the homesickness).

Cliff notes version of this blog entry and of my status in Austria:

God is good and so much bigger than I can begin to understand.

Another Good Song I'm Enjoying Lately

On Fire by Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go

tell you when you need to leave

They tell you what you need to know

tell you who you need to be

Everything inside you knows there's more than what you've heard

There's so much more than empty conversations

filled with empty words

And you're on fire when He's near you

You're on fire when He speaks

You're on fire burning at

these mysteries

You give me one more time around

give me one more chance to see

You give me everything you are

give me one more chance to be near you

When everything inside me looks like everything I hate

You are the hope I have for change

You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire when You're near me

I'm on fire when You speak

I'm on fire burning at

these mysteries

mysteries

mysteries

You're on fire

You're on fire

I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before

and I'm standing on the edge of me

I'm standing on the edge

And I'm on fire when You're near me

I'm on fire when You speak

I'm on fire burning at

these mysteries

About Time for an Update...

Update time!

So, the students have been here for two weeks now (I think??? I lose track of time here...). It's been really fun and quite busy getting to know some of them. There are 70 students from Canada, the US, England, Costa Rica, Germany and Switzerland. It's awesome to have so many different cultures meshing together.

Actually, though, it is kind of difficult to really develop friendships with the students while I am serving here as staff. Perhaps I am meant to just serve as more of a mentor figure, but I was hoping to make some good friends with students as well. It hasn't been that long and friendship takes a while to develop... but I find myself losing hope and maybe even losing a bit of motivation to develop friendships. On the other hand, I am making some friends with the other "kitchen girls" as we are called :) Which is great and a sure answer to prayer. And I realize, also, that God will use me in the lives of the students. I am actually helping to lead a family group here of 7 students. We have met once, but our group really connected and I am excited to see how God will work in those students' lives. We have one girl from Germany, one Swiss guy, maybe 2 Canadians and 3 Americans. I am really thankful for that time to meet in a smaller group for Bible study and "family" time.

Okay, I'll end with a funny story. So, today I was vacuuming in the main house. I was responsible for two floors, so I had been vacuuming for quite a while. I was feeling pretty good about it. Then all of a sudden the vaccum handle slipped out of my hands and behind me, but I was able to do some sort of ballet looking move to prevent it from falling. It felt really graceful looking and I had the feeling that if it had been filmed it would have looked pretty awesome. So... maybe that story isn't really so exciting. But when you're cleaning all day long you find strange things to be entertaining :)

Thank you all for your prayers! Because of them I can take joy in my suave vacuuming skills! But really, I have felt very encouraged and I am positive it is because of all your prayers back home. Please continue to pray that I may listen for God's leading with my free time here. And that I can invest in some of the students' lives and get over my lack of motivation to build relationships with students who are just going to leave in a month and a half.

Arrivals!

The students started to arrive yesterday and it feels so good to finally see some of the faces of those I will be serving here for the next months.

Actually, the other day I asked myself, "what am I doing here?" (Pastor Randy, I think it was you who said I would probably ask myself this question... didn't take long did it?) But then I had to smile at myself, because isn't that how the Christian life should be? Where even we begin to ask ourselves "what am I doing serving the Lord in this crazy and 'non-sensical' way He has called me?" Not that I think I've got the Christian life all figured out. To be honest, so far it has been challenging to be here. Lonely. Confusing. A lot of my not-so-favorite work. But it's becoming a lot of fun too--especially, as I said, with the arrival of the students. It's been a lot of learning what it looks like to trust and believe that God has me here for a reason. A lot of new faces. The beginnings of some new friends. And it's only been two weeks!

As I am meeting the students and really diving into the ministry I've been called to here I am praying for an open heart toward each of the students, for grace and patience with them and with my work duties, for God to work in my heart and in my hands while I am here.

Lord, you are the giver and the sustainer of the fullest life I could ever know. May You be glorified. Amen.

My Spring

My first week here in Austria has been good so far. I have done a lot of cleaning--toilets, showers, rooms, dishes (don't worry, not in that order), and some cooking. The students are not here yet and won't arrive until the 25th, and most of the other staff is on vacation, so it has been quiet. Which has been nice, but also a bit lonely. At the same time it has been kind of nice to settle in here in the peaceful quiet. To get to know those who are here slowly. To think about why I am here doing what I am doing. To watch as the Austrian Alpine Spring season is blooming before my eyes.

Actually, in just this first week the trees have gone from twigs to the beginnings of some really beautiful purple blossoms. Each day I find that I am excited to walk out onto the lawn to see how much the buds have opened up overnight. But in some way I feel a kind of aching, or maybe it's even gratitude in a sense, as I watch Spring taking shape. Even though it is so stunning, there is something that gets me about this unveiling of Spring after Winter. In some ways I suppose I can see myself in the trees. See how before I knew God I was like a withered twig, yet He took me in my ugliness and made me beautiful. Gave me life and started growing me little by little. I dunno. Maybe I am in a sort of Spring season in my life. Where I am finding out what I was made for. And am just starting to show it.

Austria at Last

As you tech-savvy readers may already know (that is if we are friends on Facebook) I made it to Salzburg! My flights went quite smoothly... actually more than smoothly. Before I travel lately I make sure to toss up a prayer letting God know that if He wants me to talk with someone about Him while I am in transit I will do it. Well, this time around I couldn't get on any mode of public transit without some sort of conversation about faith. Actually, that's a lie... on one bus ride I didn't talk to anybody because they all only spoke German, which I as of yet do NOT speak. Anyway, it was really neat. I guess I hadn't expected God to answer my prayer so fervently.

I'll just share one of these convos so as not to have a novel of a blog entry: On my first plane ride I got to talking with a German man about all kinds of things--politics, the German language, philosophy--and then it came around to "religion." Which is a word I really don't like to use especially with non-believers, but if you want to hear more about that ask me sometime. The point is, the conversation came to the point of this guy asking me how it was that I came to believe in Jesus. So, I told him. Right there on the plane. Which is really just an everyday sort of thing when I think of it. But at the same time it's a big step for me to share what I believe. I am not sharing this to toot my own horn. The guy didn't give his life to Christ as I was talking with him. I think he's still fairly set on not adhering to any religion or anything of the sort. But for me it was a neat test of my faith. A good personal checkpoint to ask myself if I really know how to explain what I believe to someone who doesn't know the church lingo. And a good reminder that what I pray for I better mean!

Also I wanna say thanks to those of you praying for me at home. At church on Sunday one of my requests was to listen for God's guidance during my time here. And I've asked other friends to pray for me to be bold about my faith. And, whaddaya know! God is wasting no time! Please keep praying that I continue to listen for and act upon guidance from the Lord. Your prayers are doing big things! And, let's pray for the three people I got to chat with that God would continue to plant little seeds about Jesus in their lives and that they would be receptive to these things.

See To It, Brothers

“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts…

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the livings God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it its called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness…

Today, if you hear his voice,
Do not harden your hearts.”
-Hebrews 3:7,12-13,15

This is something that I long for in the community of believers. I long for us to hold one another accountable for our unbelief. I want someone to come alongside me and to correct me when my actions are causing me to turn away from God—whether that means I am ignoring a homeless person on the street or not doing a job at 100% effort or even not conversing with God on a regular basis. I want people to ask the hard questions “are you living fully for Christ?” “Have you sinned against God or against another person lately?” “Are you turning towards Him today or away?” And I think the Bible makes it clear here that I, we, need this. We need to be asking and to be asked. We need to come together to work against the lures of sin. And we need to be listening for the voice of the Holy Spirit and not ignoring his leading in our lives.

Breakfast Conversations

This morning (Thursday) at the breakfast table, one of the girls sits down next to me and asks me, “It’s true that everyone farts, right?” I love life here.

Surrender

What does it mean to surrender all? What is the everything I can give to God and let Him control?

My money
My time
My clothes
My music
My thoughts
My work
My future
My past
My hopes
My things
My my my my which was never mine in the first place.

New Shoes

Today (Tuesday) I went with one of the other Tias to visit a nearby family and to bring them some items for which they had a need. The family consisted of a woman, her husband, their two daughters and a baby on the way. We were bringing them a mattress, some food and some shoes for the girls. It was a strange experience, but pretty cool too. This family lives in one of the newer developments here in Tijuana, and from the outside the houses look pretty nice. But then this family didn’t even have a bed or shoes for their kids. I don’t get it. And I know the same thing happens in the US. That people seem to have things all together but when you are invited into their lives and into their homes you find that they really don’t have much.
I think it’s kind of a spiritual analogy too. That we are always so focused on being okay, on being and appearing happy and well taken care of, but on the inside things can be in turmoil. And there is a certain aspect of relief and humbling that takes place when we invite others into this interior life that is not so nice as it seemed to be from the outside. Especially when we let God in to give us what we need. And when we can receive from Him what we need and not be too proud to dismiss His overwhelming generosity.
Anyway, the girls were 8 and 10 years old, were beautiful, and were thrilled to have their very own pair of shoes. It’s another good reminder that I have sooo much more than I need and that in my life I really haven’t had a lot of instances when I really had to rely on God to provide for my needs.

Good Moments

Making Memories in Mexico

• Walking on the beach with some kids who collected so many shells in their pockets that their pants hardly stayed on!
• Calling the little one Gordita
• Sleepover with the older girls in my room—we fit four of us on the floor where only two should have fit!!!
• Tasty smoothies made from milk, bananas, oatmeal and vanilla. Yum!
• Playing Barbies in my room and making dance videos with Cesia—I wish I could take her home with me!
• Making pancakes with chocolate chips—some of the girls helped me, but they turned out a bit burnt and weren’t very good 
• Singing worship songs at church in Spanish… they sound much prettier that way

Boys

The other day I was asked to be in charge of the boys. I have always wanted to have boys when I “grow up” one day and have a family of my own. But I’m not so sure about that after my experience over on the other side . Within 5 minutes I thought to myself… I can’t keep these kids under control! They are always fighting with each other and don’t listen when you ask them to do things. It’s pretty crazy. At least with the girls since I’m around all the time I have gained some authority in their eyes. In any case just as I was about to give up a group arrived to help out by just hanging out with the kids. And the boys respond really well to male attention and a lot of men happened to be in this group. So they came just in time to save me from losing my mind with the boys. I also found that if I participated a bit in their wrestling, they listened to me more when I told them to tone it down than they did when I just observed and kinda reffed their wrestling. It was a good reminder that to meet these kids where they’re at I really just need to love them and to play with them. And I have resolved myself to the fact that God knows what I can handle… so if I ever do have kids of my own and they’re boys I guess I’ll make it through!

Today (Sunday) I had to catch up on some homework with my study group. I kinda like when we don’t finish on Friday and have to do it on the weekend because there’s more freedom that way. For example, today my student had to study vocabulary words. Normally we’d sit in the classroom and go over them at the desk, but today I took her outside and told her a word and had her run to find the object. We ran all around the yard and through the house finding dolls, trains, balls, snapping our fingers, snorting. It was a fun day of “studying.” And this is a real blessing with my group of kids because as I’ve mentioned in other blogs they can be quite challenging and unmotivated. Creativity mixed with a warm, sunny day was the perfect blessing!

I also watched a great movie today called El Estudiante… if you can find it, you should check it out. It’s a good one. Kind of an Independent film or an artsy film along the lines of those motivational ones like Finding Forrester or Mr. Holland’s Opus, but in Spanish!

How It Hurts

Today (Tuesday)I am asking a lot of hard questions about life at the orphanage. Here’s one instance. Things are donated here all the time so the kids are accustomed to getting “new” things. But they don’t know how to care for their belongings because they have no sense of ownership over them. The girls even stockpile all the underwear in one drawer in one of the bedrooms and most of them are falling apart or plain baggy on the girls. So today I was going to our storage unit to see if there were more to divvy out. When I looked up there most seemed to be used donated underwear and another intern and I thought we should buy some new ones so they might last longer. Well, another staff member here had spent a lot of time going through donations and saving these pairs. So, when we didn’t use them she was offended. And she also reasoned that the girls don’t care for their belongings and that they will just get used and mistreated anyway, so why not use the donated ones. And she has a point. But I am not here year round like she is and in my heart I want to give the girls new things. Even if they are just underwear. I guess my philosophy is that I am to give and give, and give up the expectation that my gifts will be treated well. My part is to give. Beyond that I am to teach the girls responsibility with their things. I heard a speaker put it like this: Working with the poor should be a reflection of God’s grace. We should give to them knowing that they may not value the gift. Like God gives us forgiveness time and again and His love knowing that we may not value it and treasure it. Some people say that that doesn’t teach people proper care for things or good stewardship. But what if God acted that way with me. I will only give you one more chance for forgiveness and if you mess it up, I won’t give it to you again… that wouldn’t go over so well. So, I think there is a responsibility to teach people how to care for things they are given. But I also think I need to keep giving and giving of myself and of material necessities even when people fail to care for them. But it is really hard to watch the misuse of things that you give people. It makes me ache sometimes to watch how the kids interact with their possessions or don’t value the time a volunteer is taking to be here with them. But then isn’t that just a tiny portion of the ache God must feel when we don’t value His presence with us. When we misuse our bodies, our money, our time. Today I see God. But today how I see Him hurts.

A Great Verse to Share

It’s Sunday and I have a powerful verse to share from our study at church (I bolded words that I found to be key):

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.” –John 5:24, Jesus speaking

The truth is that once we believe we have eternal life. From that one moment or over those few years it took us to believe we have crossed over from death to life. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I already have eternal life. But truth doesn’t always follow feelings. The truth is I believed. The truth is I will not be condemned. The truth is I have crossed over. The truth is I am no longer dead. The truth is I am alive in Christ.

What a miracle.

Things I Love

Some things I love about being here at Grace Children’s Home in Mexico:

-Shamelessly watching kid movies (i.e. the Barbie movie…see one of my previous blogs for this story)
-Carrying little girls up to their beds when they fall asleep watching aforementioned kid movies
-Somehow fitting 3 kids on my lap at one time
-The other Tias laughing at my Spanish… and me laughing at their English
-Tortillas
-Dinners in the trailer with Tia Helen and Tio Lionel
-Trying out new hairstyles on the girls when I do their hair for school

Seeing God

The other day I learned of some of the craziness that goes on in the surrounding area where I live. Apparently we are in one of the main drug lord areas—which is basically all of Tijuana. A few months ago they hung a decapitated body from one of the bridges to “make a statement.” And a body was dumped in the valley below where we are located. But the funny thing is I feel completely safe here. And I don’t think it’s a naïve sense of security. I think it’s because God is protecting this place that He has set up here. In a way, I am glad to hear about the happenings of this community—because it makes me more aware of the expanse and extent of God’s protection. It’s always hard for me to explain, but the brokenness of this world is where I most tend to see Christ—or come to appreciate what He’s done for every one of our painful, hopeless, messy, broken lives. That He has come to bring healing, hope, cleansing, and repair. For me. For each of the kids here in the orphanage. For Mexico. For the world. And I can’t help but smile when I think about how each of the children here will impact this country when they move on from the orphanage. Those that have accepted Christ are already a light in the great darkness of this community.

Thoughts and Sunday Ponderings

Today (Sunday) I am grateful that I live now and not back when Jesus was walking around in human form on the earth. Because I’m not sure I would have wanted to follow Him back then. I am by nature a rule follower and He always seemed to be changing those up. I say all this because today in church we were studying John 5:1-15 when Jesus tells the man at the healing pool to get up and carry his mat on the Sabbath after He healed him. And I get that healing is more important than the rule of no work on the Sabbath. But it got me to thinking that most of the time Jesus was telling people to do all kinds of things that differed from what the Church told them. So, I was also thinking, I wonder what practices of the church Jesus would counter if He was walking around today. Then I realized that He is here, and that we can and probably should be asking Him to speak to our hearts about what we need to leave behind as religion in order to follow Him the way He intended us to. It’s kind of like what I’m reading in the book Crazy Love—that often we say we are following Christ, but we really aren’t leading the kind of radical lives that He would have us live. If our true love was Christ and we were pursuing Him with ALL we have, what would that look like? All I can say is that I am asking God to change me into that kind of person—a person who gives extravagantly, who loves with mind and body and actions. So, friends, hold me to it.

Provision

One of the coolest things about being here at the Orphanage is that I get to experience how God provides for my needs. Every day here He provides us with clean drinking water. Every bite of food we eat is donated. Each Thursday a man comes in a truck to deliver food. If one day he just decided not to come, we wouldn’t be able to eat for very long. And not only does God provide, but He provides in abundance. We have so much food that we are able to give some to our neighbors here who really have nothing and who don’t have a food delivery every week. It is this daily miracle of food and clean water that I have never experienced quite like this before. And I like it. And this is just one of the ways it’s pretty amazing to be here and to be a recipient of God’s provision.

My Mexican Menu and Some Rambly Thoughts

Some of the interesting foods I eat here:

-Eggs that were cooked the night before, were left out on the counter overnight and reheated in the morning
-Mexican version of marshmallow ambrosia salad: lettuce, pancake syrup, cottage cheese, pineapple, apple, grapes, multi-colored marshmallows. Really the lettuce and pancake syrup are what made this… interesting…
-Expired milk and various other dairy products. I’ve only seen chunky milk once.

While here I am beginning to think I may be more of a missions mobilizer than a full time missionary. I am good at getting people excited about things and helping them to do things. I wonder if there is a job like that where I help people arrange trips and where I still get to go to a lot of different places, but where I am based “at home” still. More and more the idea of (gasp) living in Southern California again is appealing to me. But I am working lately on maintaining dreams and having a loose idea of what I want, but leaning more on God’s direction. I don’t want to plan my life. I want to follow God’s plan for my life. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t made a lot of things happen without really listening for God’s voice and direction.

Barbie Movies Anyone???

I never thought that at age 25 I could say this, but I own the Barbie movie “Barbie: Princess and the Pauper.” How did this come about you ask? Well, I was looking through the movie selection at the house and saw that the girls didn’t have this movie and having heard from Nicole’s little sisters that the Barbie movies are fantastic I thought I would buy it for $5 at Walmart when I was in San Diego. When I returned home I unwrapped it and wrote my name on it—If somebody doesn’t regulate DVDs they get ruined really quickly here. Then, two days later when I was about to gift it to the girls what do I see lying beside the DVD player but TWO, not one, but two copies of “Barbie: Princess and the Pauper.” Now, being that I had graffitti’d my name all over the DVD I had purchased, I came to the unfortunate conclusion that I, Emily Huebscher, at age 25 and of my own free will am owner of a copy of said Barbie movie. Sigh.

Aside from that, a recent God sighting: I went today, Friday, to San Diego for the day. I woke up feeling like I was fighting a cold (again). We went to SD and could only stay until 3pm instead of 6pm or so like usual. When I came back I was exhausted for some reason, oh and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go to Jerry and Linda’s (the pretty beach house) this week to use the internet and spend time with a smaller group of kids. Instead, I was going with all the kids (around 30) to the worship concert at the church, which would normally be a cool thing except when you are somewhat responsible for 30 kids and when you are an introvert and in a busy, jump around and sing and have fake fog float out of the ceiling kind of place (they really did the fake fog thing). So, I was perceiving all this as somewhat negative. And I guess feeling kind of entitled to a full day off. I hate that feeling of entitlement. That’s probably why I was so tired. I feel like sin makes a person more tired than usual… Anyway, and this is where God comes in (though He was there all along I just wasn’t paying Him a ton of attention)—I actually had a really great time and was able maybe for the first time since I’ve been here in Mexico to worship. It was also a good reminder to see the kids dancing around and singing in the front of the church that God wants all of us like that—no inhibitions, just dancing and singing our hearts out to Him. Another way I was really blessed by the service was that there is this song that I love that I don’t have on my computer and I have been longing to hear it and they played it tonight!!! I felt like it was a specific gift from God to me… kinda like He knew I “needed” to hear that song. In the end, after feeling tired all day I left the service smiling and feeling rejuvenated. What a great and intimate God I am serving here in Mexico—even in my ungratefulness He gave me what I needed today in a place I least expected to find it.

Love In Action

A cool story. Last night (Saturday night) was one of the hardest nights yet. Probably THE hardest. None of the kids were obeying. Most of them were crying and fighting and the whole house just felt like chaos. And there I was trying to understand the sobbed out Spanish. It felt a lot like a spiritual attack and I felt really helpless. But then I started praying. For peace in the house and for peace to reign in the hearts of the girls. For them to know the love of God. So all this is going on and finally I decided to sit with one of the little girls who is having a particularly hard time feeling loved and valued. At first she didn't want me to sit with her and kept trying to run away, but all I could do was hug her and tell her that I wanted to be with her. That I love her. That we could pray together so she wouldn't feel sad anymore. And--God worked in that situation. It was so cool to see how each time I told her I loved her she calmed down more and more. We ended up reading a bedtime story together. I started reading it in English and she wound up finishing the book. Also, this little one is usually really difficult to get to go to sleep, but when she finished reading she said to me that she was feeling tired and would go to sleep now. It was a moment of answered prayer. Of love softening hearts. Of a glimpse of peace after the craziness of earlier in the night. I pray that all of us who work here can continue to see past the bad behavior and to just love the girls. And to tell them that often. They soak it in and it really does change them. Praise God for giving us love when we don't deserve it. And what a challenge and a blessing to pass that love on.

A Song I Have Been Praying...

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated Lord to thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of thy love
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for thee

Take my voice and let me sing
Always only for my king
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from thee
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold
Take my intellect and use
Every power as you choose

Here am I
All of me
Take my life
It’s all for thee

Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart it is thy own
It shall be thy royal throne
Take my love my Lord I pour
At your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever only all for thee
Take myself and I will be
Ever only all for thee

Here am I
All of me
Take my life
It’s all for thee

Here am I
All of me
Take my life
It’s all for thee

Stormy and Funny Stories

It’s Thursday and the kids have only gone to school one day this week because of heavy rains and dirt roads that are not so suitable for driving in bad weather. This is great for the kids and a lot of extra hard work for the Tias (myself included). Entertaining kids for days on end is hard stuff!!! And the tears are flowing today (from the kids' eyes not mine haha)… probably from a lack of school structure and too much time to get into trouble : ) The best, though, was the first night when we were calling the school to see if it was cancelled: We were all downstairs and all 18 girls flocked around the phone which we had put on speaker phone. When they said school was cancelled they all let out a cheer and we popped in a movie and stayed up “late” which here is only until about 10pm! It reminded me of being a kid and being sooo excited for school to be cancelled.

Some funny stories from the past week:
There is a storage shed here for food and clothing called the Bodega. I happened to be in the Bodega looking for a snack when someone walked out and closed the door with me inside. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that the door locks from the outside. So here I am locked inside the storage!!! I was only in there for about 15 minutes before someone walked by and let me out. All the kids and other Tias had a good laugh at me.

Also, there is a bird—I think it’s a pigeon—who decided to nest right outside my room my bed. So all night long I hear wings flapping and strange bird sounds. I think it’s starting to affect my dreams. Haha.

Then, also, because the storm is much stronger than they are used to everything is leaking. My door has become a nice waterfall right in my very own room! I like storms a lot. But, my room now smells so bad of mold that I had to sleep in another room last night. So, I’m not sure I like Mexican storms much…

Oh! And probably the coolest and most important thing is that for those of you praying, I have totally noticed a difference in the kids in my study group! Thanks to God! They have all been attentive and following directions lately, so keep praying for them! Pray also for their hearts to be penetrated by the love of God. A lot of the kids struggle I think with feeling unloved and unwanted. They crave attention (all of this totally makes sense, but it’s hard to watch).

Thanks everyone for your prayers!

One last thing is my address! If you want to send something (remember I leave March 31st) send it to:

YUGO Ministries
Emily Huebscher
PO Box 58
National City, CA
91951-0058

Bedtime Stories En Espanol Please!

If you all have been praying I have definitely noticed a difference. My love for the children is growing more and more each day. Today (Sunday because I write my blogs before I can post them) was my “day off” and it was actually quite relaxing and fun! I spent the morning at a bilingual church and was really refreshed by the music (it’s fun to sing in Spanish—especially songs I also know in English). Then when I came back Tia Helen and Tio Lionel, two permanent volunteers had me over to their trailer for some waffles for lunch. We had strawberries and whipped cream on top or maple syrup from Canada—that’s where they are from. I had some of both : ) And two of Tia Stacey (the director)’s kids were with us too—two boys. One of whom is 11 or 12 years old and was telling us about his crush on one of the girls here. It was pretty cute.

After I had eaten my fill of waffles, Tia Stacey came by to pick up her boys and asked me if I wanted to go with a small group of kids and two other guest volunteers to a pizza place and arcade. So I went and ate some more non-Mexican food : ) and had some fun watching the kids be kids. At the orphanage during the week there is a lot of schoolwork and structure, so it was nice to just play with them and watch them trade in their arcade coupons for silly rings and such.

Then tonight I made a bedtime story schedule. So I will read to a different room each night of the week. I had already read to three rooms and the girls kept asking for it and fighting over whose turn it was. So, the schedule was made and I started tonight in my Sunday room. First we read a Dora the Explorer book and I told them they couldn’t laugh at me when I said the words in Spanish. Then, (I must have done a good job with the Spanish words), they had me read them a Grimm’s story in Spanish!!! I asked if I read it okay and if they could understand and they said they could! At least I can read Spanish properly even if I didn’t understand a lot of what I was reading. Haha.

So, it was a good day! Thank you thank you for your prayers! It means a LOT to me.

More when there is more to tell,

Emily

Praise Post : )

Today is Saturday and I want to praise God for His graciousness to me since my last blog entry. As I wrote before I was feeling lonely and praying for companionship (which I still am and you can too!) and last night and today have been an awesome answer to prayer. Last night I had some tea and sat with Tia Alicia who is going to start the babies home here with her husband. Also, last night the house mom, Tia Alejandra had the night off so Tia Luz, who is 19 years old came to stand in as house mom. Friday nights the girls get to watch movies, so I watched with them for a while and then helped Tia Luz make dinner and just talked with her. I am sooooo thankful for these conversations!! And Tia Luz only speaks Spanish, but she was really patient with me and we actually talked about things friends would talk about… like music and when we became Christians etc. It was so good! Also, today I get to go to a beach house with only 4 of the kids. For a while they weren’t sure if that would happen, but I am excited to go! So, I am feeling rejuvenated and ready for more ministry.

That’s the funny thing right now, actually. I feel like I am super super busy all the time, but also like I don’t really do anything. It’s a weird paradox. But I was talking with one of the other interns who lives off site and comes only like 4 hours a day (quite a different experience than I am having!) and she said she felt the same way when she first came. I am developing relationships with a lot of the kids, which is neat. And as I see it right now, my purpose here is mainly to love the kids and to love and support the others who work here. I guess it’s a good lesson in that we don’t need to “do” things all the time, but just to love God, let Him fill us (Praise God) and to give all that joy He gives us to others.

Life is good here in Mexico.

Mexico Update 2

My fourth day here at Grace Children’s Home. Today started a bit rough… I was feeling pretty lonely and overwhelmed and didn’t admit it to anyone who was asking me how I was or to myself for a long time. But when I finally realized that I really was longing for community I decided the least I could do would be to pray about it. The coolest thing was that by this evening I was sitting in Tia Helen and Tio Lionel’s (the house Grandparents) trailer chatting for a bit with them and another English speaking couple. It’s funny how even those 15 minutes were an answer to prayer. Thank You Lord for giving me exactly what I need.

Also, the food bank came today to deliver all kinds of foods to the house. This is good because the food shed was starting to run a bit low… I like the food they cook here and all, but tonight’s dinner of beans spread on a piece of bread wasn’t too appetizing. But now we have everything from poptarts to mac and cheese. Needless to say they don’t have a lot of fruits and vegetables here…although they have had a lot of apples and oranges lately. In fact, yesterday I discovered my Mexican version of apple pie: Cut apple into thin slices. Microwave for 45 seconds. Put cinnamon on top. Yum! Note: This apple recipe is NOT good in a corn tortilla!!! I love the apple and cinnamon creation. I love corn tortillas especially these ones that are still warm when you eat them. But the two just don’t go together : )

I love and miss all of you at home sososososo much! Pray that God speaks loudly and clearly to me here. Right now my brain is fuzzy from speaking Spanish and English and more Spanish so my conversations with God have been fuzzy too.

Another prayer request is that I help with a certain homework group at the school made up of a lot of the kids who have a lot of difficulty learning and who don’t listen very well. It can be really difficult to help them to get their work done on time. So I ask for them that God would soften their hearts and give them the desire to learn and the willingness to try. And for me and the other Tias, I ask for prayers for creativity and for encouragement that these kids will accept.

Until next time,

Tia Emily

First Day in Mexico!

Let’s paint a little timeline picture for you of what my first full day in Mexico looked like:

5:30am—I wake up, get dressed and head downstairs to check if I can help with breakfast.
6am —I am helping to dress the little girls, then eating breakfast quickly and combing and putting up their hair.
7am —I ride along to drop the kids off at their various schools.
7:30am—I do some dishes.
8am —Bible Study/Devotions with the staff (and the two little girls who don’t start school until 9am-ish).
9am-ish—Take the little girls to school.
9:15am —Come home and take my shower (Note: There is no lock on the bathroom door and these little girls have next to no inhibitions about personal space, thus, I have decided the best time to shower is when none of them are home. I have not yet figured out how to go about this on the weekends… ).
10am —I get some time to relax, eat another breakfast/snack, hang out with some of the other Tias, do some light cleaning before the kids come home at noon.
12pm —The first group of kids are home. Snack time!
12:30pm—Start homework groups—I don’t have one of these yet, but helped out with a few today. Most of the kids want my help with their English homework. Go figure.
2pm —The older kids get home and have a snack, then start homework.
5:30pm—The house grandparents returned from vacation today and bought pizza and ice cream for the whole house!!! We all ate outside (usually the boys eat in their house and the girls eat in theirs).
6:15pm—Girls’ bath time which is crazy—the girls all strip down and wait their turn to go two by two into the bath tub. This is one of the times I learn a lot of new words…and have a lot of laughs.
6:30pm—We go to George and Stacey’s house (the directors of Grace Children’s Home) for song time and a devotional for the kids.
7:30pm—Back to the house for “bedtime” which usually takes about an hour to get all the girls in their rooms, staying put and with the lights out. Tonight Tia Alejandra wasn’t here for the beginning of bedtime and my Spanish is limited, so it was a bit crazier than normal. But another Tia who just comes during the day was here late and helped out. It’s those stern words they never teach you in Spanish class. Who’d have thunk.

So… deep breath… that is what my first day has looked like. And, judging by the half-day yesterday that I was here I am thinking this is what everyday will be like more or less. Super busy. Super fun. Oh, and go figure, two of the three kids I’ve connected the most with so far are the two youngest girls—Alma age 5 and Cesia age 4.

Stay tuned for more updates! I pray that God continues to sustain me while I am here… I have felt His provision, protection and presence so far (especially considering I just may have brushed my teeth with non-filtered water and am not sick yet… and hopefully won’t be). Keep the prayers coming!

More Mixed Emotions

Today was my last day as a Mount Hermon Employee! It was a very bittersweet goodbye in the Book Shop... I will miss the job and all the people I worked with. Funny how it sorta sneaks up on you how much you'll miss people. I guess that's why God tells us to be thankful in all situations--so it isn't when something is over that we come to realize the value therein.

The other day I had an interesting conversation with God. Or not so much of a conversation, but maybe another sort of realization. I was sitting on a bench on WestCliff reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller (kind of irrelevant, though it is a good book... especially the chapter called Naked about the Garden of Eden). Anyway, I don't remember if something in the book triggered this or what, but all of a sudden I realized that the closer it gets to my leaving for Mexico and Austria the more I find that I value home--the community of people, the beach, the weather, my church... Leaving may seem to some an adventure to be envied, but for me it is becoming a sacrifice of sorts. Don't get me wrong. I want to go. And I am sure I will have a lot of fun too. But the act of leaving is an act of obedience more than desire right now. Which in a lot of ways affirms for me that this really just might be right where God wants me. After all, He never tells me life with Him will be easy. But it most certainly is an adventure.

Though I'm both sad and excited to leave I have even more anticipation over how God will use me this next year. Prayers that I continue to hear His voice and follow His leading would be great!

Thanks friends!

Back From Mississippi

I'm back in California! And I've brought with me a whole new appreciation for where I live after visiting Pearlington, Mississippi. I discovered that I had a whole set of stereotypes about the South and that most of them were not true. I always kind of pictured the plantation South with farmland and huge homes with wrap around porches. Maybe some people picnicing while wearing all white linen clothes. Instead of this Hollywood sort of image, I got the real thing. Only, the real thing was, yes, imperfect, but also beautiful in a different way. The people were so generous even though they had little to give--some still without a house to call home after Katrina.

Probably the best thing about being down there was that we were able to help the people to see that they are not forgotten. Even now, 6 (I think) years after the hurricane there are still homes that haven't been touched since, still families who are trying to make ends meet and trying to rebuild their homes. It was heartbreaking to me, but also humbling in a good way to be a message to the people of Pearlington that we have not forgotten them.

It's funny because we did a lot of work--painting, chipping paint, tearing out baseboards, setting up scaffolding, etc. But those things seem kind of secondary to just being there. Though most of my time was spent working and maybe only 2% talking with local people it was the 2% that I will remember and treasure most. And part of that is because that is really where I saw God at work. So many of the people have a vibrant faith in God even after they lost everything. As one team member said, their faith in difficult circumstances has increased my faith and has encouraged me.

There's so much more to tell, and I realize this blog is rather vague... if you want to hear more actual stories send me an email or give me a call. I'd love to share more about the trip!